Understanding Core Desires: The Key to Deeper Intimacy

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what actually creates intimacy—and why so many people feel disconnected even when they’re “doing everything right.” We talk endlessly about attraction, chemistry, and communication, but rarely about the emotions we’re trying to access through connection.

That’s when the concept of core desires clicked for me.

At its core, this idea is simple but powerful: intimacy isn’t just about what we do with another person—it’s about how we want to feel while we’re with them. When you understand the emotional experience you’re craving, your relationships stop feeling confusing and start making sense.

What Are “Core Desires,” Really?

When we think about intimacy, most people focus on actions:

• What we like

• What we don’t like

• What turns us on

• What feels awkward

• What we wish was different

But core desires go deeper than behavior.

They’re about emotional experience.

Your core desires are the feelings you want to access during intimacy and connection, such as:

• Feeling safe

• Feeling cherished

• Feeling powerful

• Feeling desired

• Feeling adventurous

• Feeling seen

• Feeling free

• Feeling secure

These aren’t random. They’re shaped by your history, your relationships, your self-esteem, and your emotional wiring.

And most of us have never been taught to identify them.

Why So Many People Feel “Unsatisfied” (Even in Good Relationships)

Here’s something I see constantly in my matchmaking work:

People say they’re unhappy in relationships—but can’t explain why.

They’ll tell me things like:

“They’re nice, but something is missing.”
“I don’t feel connected anymore.”
“We’re intimate, but it doesn’t feel fulfilling.”
“I love them, but I’m restless.”

Often, what’s missing isn’t chemistry or effort.

It’s emotional alignment.

If you crave feeling deeply cherished but you’re with someone who expresses love through practicality…
If you crave adventure but your partner values predictability…
If you crave emotional safety but you’re stuck in anxious dynamics…

You’re going to feel unsatisfied—even if everything “looks good on paper.”

Getting Out of Your Head and Back Into Your Body

One of the most powerful ideas from the episode was this:

Most people are “performing” intimacy instead of experiencing it.

We’re thinking about:

• How we look

• Whether we’re doing it “right”

• What our partner is thinking

• Past disappointments

• Insecurities

• Comparison

• Pressure

All of that lives in your head.

And intimacy doesn’t thrive there.

It lives in your body.

When you’re disconnected from your emotional and physical experience, you miss the very thing you’re trying to create: closeness.

Identifying your core desires helps bring you back into presence.

How Core Desires Transform Communication

Imagine the difference between saying:

❌ “You never initiate.”
❌ “You’re not romantic.”
❌ “I feel bored.”

And saying:

✅ “I really crave feeling desired.”
✅ “I want to feel pursued.”
✅ “I feel closest when we’re playful together.”

One creates defensiveness.

The other creates understanding.

When you know your core desires, you can advocate for yourself without blaming. And that’s relationship gold.

A Simple Exercise: Discover Your Core Desires

Try this on your own:

Step 1: Think About Your Best Moments of Connection

Ask yourself:

• When have I felt most connected to someone?

• What was I feeling in that moment?

Step 2: Identify the Emotion

Was it:

• Safety?

• Freedom?

• Validation?

• Excitement?

• Tenderness?

• Confidence?

Step 3: Notice Patterns

Do certain emotions show up again and again?

Those are likely your core desires.

Step 4: Reflect on Past Relationships

Where did you feel fulfilled?
Where did you feel deprived?

That contrast tells you a lot.

Why This Matters for Dating and Long-Term Love

Whether you’re single, dating, or married, this matters.

If you’re single:
Understanding your core desires helps you choose better partners—not just more attractive ones.

If you’re dating:
It helps you assess compatibility beyond surface chemistry.

If you’re partnered:
It gives you a roadmap for rekindling connection.

This is exactly why I don’t believe in “vibes only” dating.

Feelings matter—but understanding why you feel them matters more.

My Matchmaker Perspective: This Is Compatibility Work

In my world, this is emotional compatibility.

You can’t build a healthy relationship without knowing:

• What makes you feel secure

• What makes you feel alive

• What makes you feel loved

• What makes you shut down

Most people learn this through heartbreak.

You can learn it through intention.

Final Thoughts: Intimacy Starts With Self-Knowledge

True intimacy isn’t about perfection.
It isn’t about comparison.
It isn’t about performance.

It’s about:

✔ Self-awareness
✔ Emotional honesty
✔ Communication
✔ Courage
✔ Curiosity

When you understand your core desires, you stop outsourcing your happiness. You stop hoping someone will magically “get you.” You start showing up as a partner who knows themselves.

And that changes everything. 

Build the Relationship You Actually Want

Understanding your core desires is the first step—but knowing how to choose a compatible partner is where real change happens.
In Forever Blueprint, I walk you through emotional compatibility, attraction, communication, and values so you can stop guessing and start choosing intentionally.

Start Forever Blueprint

Author

Maria Avgitidis

Maria Avgitidis is a bestselling author, podcaster, and fourth-generation matchmaker. As the founder and CEO of Agape Match, she blends a century-old family legacy with contemporary relationship psychology, matching high-achieving singles through a refined, community-driven process that has produced thousands of meaningful matches.