The Real Reason You Chase People Who Don’t Text Back

I'm a matchmaker. I've been doing this for 20 years. 

And I see this pattern over and over again:

A client will look at someone who shares their values, lifestyle, and vision for the future, and say, "I'm not interested." 

Then they'll see someone who is completely wrong for them and say, "I want HER." 

And when I explain why it won't work, when I lay out all the reasons they're incompatible, they start crumbling their own values to make it fit. 

"Well, I don't really need someone who wants kids."
"I guess I could move to a different city."
"Maybe I'm being too picky about communication." 

Every single pillar they've built for their future starts falling apart because they want to be with someone who is unavailable, inconsistent, or fundamentally misaligned. And you know what? Sometimes I let them meet anyway.

It never works. 

The Matchmaker's Test: What Happens When You Chase the Wrong Person

When a client insists on meeting someone I know is wrong for them, I have two choices:

1. Hold firm and say no
2. Let them learn the hard way

Sometimes, I choose option 2.

And here's what always happens:

They either:

1. Get extremely mad at me for letting it happen ("Why didn't you stop me?!")

2. Come back and say, "You were right. Let's go back to what we were doing."

Then I use that person as a reference point for the rest of our work together.
"If you want to have that experience again, this is what that looks like.

But my job isn't to set you up with someone you find attractive. It's to set you up with someone who shares your future vision."

Because attraction without alignment is just a waste of time.

Why You Keep Choosing People Who Can't Give You What You Need

Here's the uncomfortable truth: you're not chasing unavailable people by accident.
You're doing it on purpose. Subconsciously, maybe.

But on purpose.

Limerence as a Protective Mechanism

When you're obsessing over someone who's emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or just not that into you, you never have to face the vulnerability of real intimacy. You get to stay in fantasy. You get to imagine who they could be instead of dealing with who they actually are.

And most importantly, you never have to risk being fully seen and possibly rejected. Limerence becomes a safe place to hide. You're pursuing love without actually having to be in a relationship.

The Anxious Attachment Connection

Research shows that people with anxious attachment styles are most likely to fall into limerence.

And it makes sense.

If you're anxiously attached and you're dating someone avoidant, you're in a constant state of:

• Lack of acknowledgment
• Panic
• Trying to prove your self-worth
• Never feeling like you're enough

That feels familiar. And familiar feels like home, even when home is chaos.

The Performance Trap

If you grew up having to perform for love, if affection always came with conditions, if you had to earn your place in relationships, you learned that love requires effort.

So when someone shows up with arms wide open and says, "You're great. I like you. Let's do this," your brain says, "What is wrong with you?"

Something must be wrong. Because love isn't supposed to be this easy.

You need to prove yourself. And the only way to prove yourself is to chase someone who doesn't want you.

The Alpha Female Paradox

Here's another layer: the 90s alpha female conditioning.

You were told you could have whatever you wanted:

• Academically? Get after it.
• Business-wise? Get after it.
• As an athlete? Get after it.

But when it came to dating, that same aggressive pursuit completely backfired.

Because chasing someone in dating doesn't work the same way it works in other areas of life.

And yet, you keep trying. Because that's what you know. That's what worked everywhere else.

Why Your Values Crumble for the Wrong Person

When you're in limerence, when you've put someone on a pedestal, you sanctify them. You turn them into something they're not. You see them as perfect. Flawless. The One.

And suddenly, all the things that mattered to you before don't matter anymore.

You wanted kids? Well, maybe you don't need kids.
You wanted someone who lives in your city? Maybe long distance is fine.
You wanted clear communication? Maybe you're being too needy.

You're not changing your mind. You're abandoning yourself.
Because in limerence, you're not looking at who they actually are. You're looking at the fantasy version you've created.

And you'll do anything to keep that fantasy alive.

How to Stop Chasing the Wrong People

So how do you break this cycle? How do you stop chasing people who don't text back and start choosing people who actually show up?

Step 1: Set the Standard on Date One

The best time to establish your expectations is before you're emotionally invested.
When someone asks why you’re still single, don’t get defensive, use it as an opening to say exactly what you need from a partner.

State your communication expectations clearly and calmly. You’re not issuing demands; you’re giving them information. And if they can’t meet that bar after a few dates, you have everything you need to walk away without guilt.

Step 2: Notice When You're Crumbling Your Own Values

Pay attention to the moments when you start making excuses for someone.

"Well, they're just really busy right now."
"They're probably bad at texting."
"Maybe I'm being too demanding."

These are red flags. Not about them. About you abandoning yourself.

If someone can't meet your basic needs, that's information. Don't ignore it.

Step 3: Look at Actions, Not Potential

Stop focusing on who you think they could become. Look at what they're actually demonstrating right now.
If it takes them a week to respond to a text, that's who they are.
Not who they could be if they just tried harder. Not who they could be if you were more interesting. Not who they could be if the timing was better.

That's who they are right now.

And if that doesn't align with your values, move on.

Step 4: Stop Dating People Who Make You Feel Like You're Auditioning

If you're constantly trying to prove your worth, if you're always performing, if you're never sure where you stand, you're not in a relationship. You're in an audition.

You don't need to audition anymore.
The right person doesn't make you jump through hoops. They just show up.

The "Too Busy" Excuse

Here’s something I tell every client: no one is too busy to text you back. The people I work with are so busy they can’t even manage their own dating profiles, that’s why they hire me. And they still show up for dates. “Busy” is a story someone tells when they’re not prioritizing you. That’s information. Use it.

Don't date that person.

Why Available People Aren't Boring

Let me be very clear: available people are not boring.
They're just not putting you on a rollercoaster.

They're:

• Consistent
• Communicative
• Emotionally present
• Actually interested in building something

And because your nervous system has been trained to associate love with chaos, calm feels wrong.

But calm isn't boring. Calm is your nervous system finally relaxing.
And once you get used to it, once you stop confusing anxiety with passion, you'll realize this is what you've been looking for all along.

The Bottom Line

You keep chasing people who don't text back because it feels safer than being vulnerable with someone who actually wants you.

You keep choosing unavailable people because they let you stay in fantasy instead of facing reality.

You keep crumbling your own values because you've sanctified someone who doesn't deserve to be on a pedestal.

And it's time to stop.

Stop auditioning. Stop proving yourself. Stop chasing people who make you feel like you're not enough.

You are enough.
And the right person won't make you forget that.

Tired of chasing people who don't choose you back? Agape Match connects you with emotionally available partners who are ready to build something real.

Author

Maria Avgitidis

Maria Avgitidis is a bestselling author, podcaster, and fourth-generation matchmaker. As the founder and CEO of Agape Match, she blends a century-old family legacy with contemporary relationship psychology, matching high-achieving singles through a refined, community-driven process that has produced thousands of meaningful matches.