How to Rebuild Confidence After Years of First Dates

Here's the question that stops everyone in their tracks: 

"My last relationship ended in 2019. I've only been on first dates since. I've had very little luck on the apps, and I feel like my confidence and any charisma I used to have in person is going away. For example, I was out dancing and a very cute person came up to dance next to me and I felt almost panic. I didn't know what to do.

How would you recommend getting my confidence back?"

If you've felt this way, you're not alone. 

Because 2019 was the year before the pandemic.

Whether you were in a relationship or not, life changed. We all discovered things about ourselves in that first two-month lockdown period.

And now? We're all dealing with social atrophy. 

What Is Social Atrophy?

Social atrophy is what happens when you stop using your social skills.

Like a muscle you don't exercise, it weakens.

You forget how to:

• Make small talk
• Flirt
• Read body language
• Respond naturally to someone approaching you

And the longer you go without practicing, the harder it gets.

This person said they felt panic when someone came up to dance next to them. 

That's not shyness. That's social atrophy. 

Why the Pandemic Made It Worse

Even if you weren't single during the pandemic, you still lost social skills.

We all did.

We got comfortable:

• Being alone
• Staying home
• Not interacting with strangers
• Controlling our environments

And now, years later, we're all a little broken.

Someone comes up to you at a bar? Panic.
Someone tries to make small talk? Awkward.
Someone flirts with you? You forget how to respond.

It's not you. It's all of us. 

The Comedian's Take on Social Atrophy

Comedians have their finger on the pulse of social atrophy.
On stage, they're confident. They're charismatic. They're in control. 

But in real life? They're just as awkward as the rest of us.

One comedian put it this way:

"I struggle with this too. I think in the pandemic, we were so just in our own homes and bodies that we didn't get to interact on a daily basis normally with people. So I would say push yourself to go out more and go to more things than you normally would." 

Translation: You have to practice. 

How to Rebuild Your Social Confidence

Here's the thing: you can't think your way into confidence. You have to act your way into it. 

Step 1: Go Out More Than You Want To
This is the hardest step. But it's the most important. 

Go to things you don't want to go to:

• A friend's birthday party
• A show you're not that excited about
• A networking event
• A group fitness class
• A book club 

The point isn't to have fun. The point is to practice being around people.
Because right now, you're comfortable being alone.
And as long as you're comfortable being alone, you're never going to build the muscle of being around people. 

Step 2: Get Rid of Headphones
This is a big one.
If you're trying to increase your social skills, stop wearing headphones everywhere.
Headphones are a signal: Don't talk to me.

And if you're wearing them all the time, you're training yourself to not engage with your environment. 

So take them out. Look around. Make eye contact. Smile at strangers. 

You don't have to have full conversations. Just practice existing in the world without blocking people out. 

Step 3: Take an Improv Class
This might sound extreme, but hear me out:
Improv classes teach you how to respond to your environment instead of keeping it all in. 

Most of us see something, think something, and then harbor it inside ourselves.
We don't react. We don't engage. We just observe and stay silent.

Improv teaches you to:

• Respond naturally
• Think on your feet
• Be present in the moment
• Say "yes, and" instead of shutting down 

You don't have to become a comedian. You just have to learn how to engage.
Classes like Improvolution offer boot camps and workshops specifically for this. 

The Dinner Party Experiment

There's a couple who made a New Year's resolution to invite anyone who wanted to come over to their house every Saturday for 52 weeks.

52 Saturdays. 52 dinners. Different people every week.
Friends, college friends, neighbors, strangers.
Their table fits five to six people, and they just kept inviting. 

What happened?

1. It became routine. At first it was scary. Then it became normal.
2. It built community. They created their own village, their own circle.
3. It regained social skills. They got comfortable hosting, talking, connecting. 

You don't have to host 52 dinners. But the principle is the same: 

Build routine around social interaction.

Step 4: Pick Up a Hobby
Not a solo hobby. A social hobby.
Something that makes you go do stuff with people.

Examples:

• Join a tennis league
• Take a pottery class
• Join a running club
• Go to a trivia night
• Try pickleball (yes, really) 

The point is: you need an excuse to be around people regularly.
Because right now, if you're only going out when you feel like it, you're not going out enough.

Step 5: Practice Small Interactions
You don't have to jump into full conversations with strangers.

Start small:

• Say hi to your barista
• Compliment someone's outfit
• Ask someone where they got their bag
• Make small talk in line at the grocery store 

These micro-interactions build the muscle of engaging with people.
And the more you do it, the less scary it becomes.

The New York vs. Everywhere Else Problem 

Here's the thing about cities like New York:
Nobody wants to talk to anyone.
People wear sunglasses in the rain. They wear headphones even when they're not listening to anything. They actively avoid eye contact. 

It's a culture of "don't come near me."

And if you live in a city like that, it's even harder to build social skills.
Because the entire environment is telling you: Stay in your lane. Don't engage.
So if you're in a city like that, you have to work even harder.

You have to be the person who says hi. Who makes eye contact. Who engages.
And yes, people will think you're weird. But that's okay. 

What If You're Still Panicking?

Let's go back to the original question: 

"I was out dancing and a very cute person came up to dance next to me and I felt almost panic. I didn't know what to do." 

Here's what you do: 

Option 1: Smile and Keep Dancing
You don't have to say anything. Just acknowledge them with a smile and keep dancing. 

Body language is communication. 

Option 2: Say Something Simple
"Hey, I love this song."
"This place is great, right?"
"I haven't been here before. Have you?"

It doesn't have to be clever. It just has to be something. 

Option 3: Ask a Question
"Do you come here a lot?"
"What's your go-to drink here?"
"Have you been to [other similar place]?"

Questions give the other person something to respond to. And then you have a conversation. 

The Bottom Line

If you've been single since 2019 and you've only been on first dates, you're not broken.

You're experiencing social atrophy.

And the only way to fix it is to practice.

Go out more. Take off the headphones. Join a hobby. Take an improv class. Host dinners. Make small talk. 

You're not going to feel confident first and then go out. You have to go out first, and then confidence will follow.

It's uncomfortable. It's scary. But it's the only way.

So start small. Go to one thing this week. Talk to one stranger. Make one micro-interaction. 

And then do it again next week.
Because confidence isn't something you find. It's something you build. 

Ready to get back out there but need a little help? Agape Match connects you with people who are just as ready to build real connections as you are.

Author

Chrisoula Mavrianos

Chrisoula is an integral part of the Agape Match team and a fourth-generation matchmaker with a natural talent for fostering meaningful connections. Working closely with the Founder, Chrisoula builds strong, positive relationships with clients and members alike, ensuring every interaction feels personal and seamless.